You’ll notice that I mentioned I might occasionally discuss my weight loss plans. Trust me, it doesn’t work well. It seems like Guinness and burgers aren’t going to help me lose weight any time in the near future. Strange, right?
Anyways, let’s talk about the way people perceive me. Everyone has different perceptions of me. That’s common sense, though. I’ve noticed that the same person can have a different perception just going by the way I look one day. If I’m running errands, I usually don’t spend that much time on my appearance. I’m lucky if I get lip gloss or mascara on, let alone a full face of makeup. Yesterday, I decided to actually try since I had a little more time. Even I will admit that I looked amazing. My makeup looked perfect, and my top was adorable. My hair even managed to cooperate!
I had to run to Wal-mart since Target didn’t have some of the items I needed. On a side note, I hate Wal-mart. We’re talking loathe. When I was power walking back to the car, the strangest thing happened. A guy literally grabbed my arm. “You look like a plus-sized supermodel strutting through the parking lot!” Excuse me? I stood there in total shock. “No that’s a good thing. They’re still tiny.” Why thank you, captain obvious! In the fashion world, plus-sized is like what…a size 8 or 10 at best? I’m obviously not even close to that. Once I realized I didn’t have any response, I couldn’t help but walk away. Quickly. Very quickly.
I get that I’m not a twig. I understand that I’m not anorexic looking. It’s that damn Guinness. I’ve never been called plus sized by a complete stranger, though. Do I need to lose weight? Duh. I do have enough common sense to know that. I don’t need to be told by a complete stranger that I’m plus sized. Also, do guys really think that’s a pick up line? The guy was genuinely surprised that I kept walking. You’re not getting in my pants by calling me fat! Sorry, sir. Better luck next time. You know what? I think I’m going to go devour a cupcake now. Maybe I’ll even dunk it in Guinness.
I’ll admit it. I obviously don’t fit in at the store in Minot. Sorry world, but I’m not a soak, I’m not looking to hook up with every guy that I run into, and I’m not hoping to fall madly in love with someone and end up living in Minot. Trust me, there is no way in heck that I would ever want to end up living in Minot. It may quite possibly be the worst city known to man. What is there to do here? Drink. That’s about it. I think I’ll pass, if you don’t mind.
My roommate is cool and all, but she just turned 21, so of course she only wants to drink. Does that surprise you? No, it didn’t really surprise me either. She’s asked me over the lunch hour more than once to to dinner with her, but she has bailed more than once. Last night, she said she’d bring home Papa John’s that we could split when she was done doing laundry, so I didn’t get anything to eat. What does she come home with? One microwavable dinner. She was worried that I would be asleep. I was way too tired to worry about it, so I blew it off. Let’s just say that I won’t rely on her for anything important.
It sucks to think that I’m still going to be in this hotel room for 23 more days. I must admit that I can’t wait to be back in my own bed with nobody to clean up after me. I have my own comfy spot in my own bed. I don’t have to wake up to a roommate’s alarm when I’m in my own apartment. I don’t have to worry about her being in the shower when I need to get to work, too. It’s just stupid stuff like that that’s driving me insane. I know I’ve mentioned earlier that I’m dying to have a roommate, but this reminds me why I never want one ever again. Ever.
Right. Back to the store. It is a hellhole. It is a disaster. They have nine management positions open. NINE of them. Are you kidding me? Is that even possible? I’ve never heard of a store like that. The store is so busy that it should be a manager’s dream. I don’t want to know what their bonus checks would be like. But no, the store has horrible leadership. That’s why so many of us have to go try to cover for them. They wonder why we’re so miserable here. The store is getting higher pay and retention bonuses. Since when did any of us get that? How is that even fair? Shouldn’t we qualify for the retention bonuses just for putting up with the store? We’re only getting $15 per working day for food, so a little bonus wouldn’t kill them. Sure, I could eat on $15 a day if I really tried. Give me a hotel room with a kitchenette, and I can easily do that. To be honest, I could live on $5 a day if I had a kitchenette. Just look at my obsession with pasta. It doesn’t get cheaper than that. Sadly, I don’t get that. I do get a microwave, thank goodness! Some of the other temporary employees don’t even get microwaves.
My biggest issue that I am facing is the friend issue. When you’re working that much, it seems like friends would be a necessity. The downfall is that I honestly am not making friends. I tried. I swear I did. I just haven’t met anyone genuine. The worst part is that people in the store are total jerks. The other day, I pulled shingles all by myself across the entire yard. I doubt you’re familiar with our yard, so imagine me pulling a cart that would barely move about a mile while dealing with literal ups and downs. Uhhhh I was gross when I finished. I was dirty and drenched in sweat. It obviously wasn’t a flattering look. What really pissed me off is that none of the guys offered to help. This isn’t Marilee being a feminist. This is Marilee actually asking the guys for help—more than once, mind you. It would have taken one of the guys on a forklift three minutes tops to get across the yard with everything I needed. It took me over twenty minutes. You heard me correctly. I even asked for their help, and they all blew me off. I have never been so pissed at coworkers in my entire life. Isn’t that why we were stuck up here? To help them out? The least they could do was help us out a little. That, of course, would be asking way too much out of people.
Oh well. Life goes on. I’m going to ask the store manager tomorrow if it’s possible for me to leave early, but I doubt he’ll agree to it. If all else fails, I’m hitting the road on the 23rd and won’t be looking back.
While the video is awkward, it describes how I want to feel. I don't think I'm going to look for the right person anymore. It just wasn't working out. I'm going to sit back and hope that someone out there finds me amazing enough to pursue.
I'm actually excited to leave for Minot in a week. I'm not expecting to make any friends or anything, but at least I'll be making bank. That would be nice. It sounds like my old 1st Assistant General Manager is up there helping out, also. I'm super pumped to see him. I've missed him and our nights out at the bars. You know, we were just keeping it classy.
I plan on chilling in my hotel room. I'm lucky to be in a hotel with a hot tub and an indoor pool. Perhaps it will be a vacation that actually makes me money! Consider this girl excited about it. I still don't know if I have a fridge or a microwave in my room. If not, I honestly might bring one of my mini-fridges with me. It would be cheaper that way. Would that be weird? Probably. I wonder what my roommate will say!
Two months ago, Andrew made the extremely selfish decision to take his life. Not related to his death, but I can understand the pain that goes on before you make that decision. I just feel completely empty right now. It's like I'm trying to care, but everything is flying by while I'm sitting here. Ironically, today was the Bright Eyes concert. Andrew and I were super excited to go, but instead, I sat at work holding the tickets in my pocket. I couldn't even bring myself to sell them.
If you're even remotely familiar with me, you should know by now that I support marriage for basically every consenting adult. Hell, I even debated the merits of polygamy in my Marriage and Family class. (Don't get me started on the "religious" freaks entering into marriage with 12 year old girls.) I'm not afraid to speak my mind on the issue of gay marriage to anyone--even some of the overly conservative people I have to work with.
Fargo-Moorhead is having it's first Pride weekend next weekend, and I am beyond excited for it. While it is technically taking place in Fargo, those who know the area know that only a tiny bridge separates Fargo from Minnesota. Heck! I even work in Minnesota! A measure to ban same-sex marriage will be on the ballot for 2012, so now is obviously a great time to have a strong gay rights movement in Minnesota.
That's where FCKH8 comes in. Those who hang out with me know that I wear their clothing almost anywhere. I have been a loyal supporter since their first viral video. While I would never show one of their videos to my grandma, I have always found their videos to be humorous, light hearted, and perfect for my generation. I don't exactly hide the fact that I swear like a sailor. Before the video dedicated to the fight in Minnesota, I would have killed to be in one of their videos. Yet again, I wouldn't mention it to my grandma. In the beginning, I loved the video. While it was more crass than their usual videos, it made plenty of valid points that I have told people for years. The top five reasons to ban gay marriage? I loved the first four. Loved. I would have hopped on that bandwagon any day. Then the fifth reason popped up. Gay adoption. You know, since babies are abandoned by straight people. I genuinely felt like someone had slapped me across the face. There I sat, a birthmother who openly supports gay adoption, being fed to the sharks. For some odd reason, I suddenly felt alone. Is it really how they feel? That gay couples can only start families because of straight people abandoning their cildren? They honestly feel like I abandoned my son? The one group that I had faith in had turned their backs on one of their supporters and advocates.
When I was expecting little dude, I did consider more than one gay couple to place my son with. One family made my top three list. I didn't even consider sexual orientation. If I magically become pregnant again and I still didn't feel confident parenting, I still wouldn't consider sexual orientation.
Dearest FCKH8, while I still appreciate your overall message, your stance on adoption offens me on a much deeper level than you could ever imagine. I did not abandon my son. I didn't leave him on the side of the road. I didn't drop him off at a fire station or a hospital. I methodically looked at parent profiles. I created a list of expectations and wishes about my son's adoptive family. I considered everything from education level to location to if they had a dog. I stuck with my decision even after I realized it was going to rip me apart. I signed the papers terminating my rights even after I fell head over heals in love with my son. I watched my boyfriend cry and tell me we would make it through anything since we made it through the placement of our son. That's the word that you're forgetting, FCKH8. PLACEMENT. Not abandonment. Don't get my wrong. I never expected you to use perfect terminology. I didn't expect you to say gay couples have a chance to adopt due to a pregnant woman considering adoption having an insane love for her child. At this point, I would never expect you to say that a birthmother would be willing to sacrifice her own happiness to give her child the security and stability that she couldn't yet provide.
I understand that your videos were never meant to be tactful. I used to love that about you. I guess I just never expected to feel like I was thrown under the bus. I'm used to being told that I'm not a parent by people in the mainstream world. I've been told plenty of times that I should have kept my legs shut. I've been called a slut and that I never should have been able to have children. I've been told that I gave my son up. Nobody has ever told me that I abandoned my son until now.
Keep in mind that Sean and I love Landon more than anything in this world. We have both felt pain when making the decision that we did. I don't think I could count how many times we've cried over the decision that we made. To say that we abandoned our child completely contradicts the parenting decision that we made as a couple. Allowing my son's adoptive parents to be in the hospital room when I was in labor proves that I had no intentions of abandoning my son. For Sean and I to stay silent in the hospital when the nurses wouldn't allow us to see our own son because we weren't his parents proves that we had a plan created out of both love and fear.
Do I love my son? If that isn't obvious, I don't know what is. Does Sean love Landon? Obviously way more than the wonderful parents on 16 and Pregnant. Did we hurt because of our decision? How could we not? Telling me that I abandoned my son was just as hurtful and ignorant as saying being gay is a choice. While I still support the general FCKH8 cause, I will wear my Legalize Gay shirts from American Apparel until I cool off. FCKH8 can choose to be ignorant to the fact that adoption stems from the love for your child. They have every right to do that. I can choose to align myself with slightly more understanding groups such as the Human Rights Campaign. Love is love. That's all there is to it. If only FCKH8 realized how much I love my son.
*DISCLAIMER: I understand that they were not personally attacking me. I also warn you that the video swears even more than I do, so plug your ears before you watch it.
If we can choose to be happy, why does life throw so much stuff at us? All I want to do right now is to curl up in a little ball with a puppy. What am I doing instead? Studying, working my butt off, and crunching numbers. Money sucks.
Menards has been switching my Minot dates back and forth. At this point, I honestly don't know what's going on. The only reason I even kind of want to go is to hopefully make a shit ton of money. Isn't that what life is about? Working your tail off to cover expenses that you really don't want? You know, since having a little bit of fun in life is overrated. I know what you're thinking. You wouldn't be complaining about having to work your butt off if you had a killer college degree and a big girl job.
What will that big girl job honestly get me? A bigger paycheck would obviously be nice. It would be nice to never worry about money. But would I actually get to enjoy the things that I'd buy? I'm seriously starting to think this race to the top is pointless. I mean, come on. I'll work 60 hours a week, go home and work in my garden, feed my family, maybe enjoy one show while folding laundry, and go to bed. Do I really want to wake up, make breakfast for my family, pack the lunches for my children, and drop them off at school before driving myself to work every day for the rest of my life? Sure, that sounds great to an extent.
Sure, some of that sounds ok. A few things sound a little more than ok. On the other hand, where is the fun? The excitement? The spontaneous jumping on a plane for the weekend? What is the point of having a big girl job if you can't do fun stuff like that? I was talking to a lawyer the other day. He really made me question some things. I was at the service desk, and he was bringing in a screen door that needed the screen replaced. He was a friendly guy, but admitted that sometimes he hated his job and everything that he missed out on. Right when he left, he gave me his card. He even mentioned that I'd make an amazing lawyer and that he'd love to help me get there.
Hold the phone. You drive a huge Lexus. You're wearing insanely expensive clothing. You're telling me that you missed out on a lot of things in your children's lives. Sure...the fancy car sounds great. Not worrying about money would be amazing. Writing a check for a $7,000 special order door? I'd love to be able to do that. It's the other part. The part where his face clouded over. Would I want to miss everything? Would I want to pass up trips to work? What's the point of having a fancy cabin on the lake if I was never there? Even worse...what if I had to sit there and work inside while the rest of my family enjoyed the day?
I'll be honest with you. My dream life would be living in Europe, traveling from country to country, working odd jobs to cover my expenses, and die happily in Ireland or Scotland. Unrealistic as it may seem, I think I would be more content if I stayed away from this rat race that we find ourselves in.
My biggest question is this: Can you choose to be happy no matter what your circumstances are?
I spent my afternoon with Crystal, a co-worker. We were super excited to have drinks on the Hotel Donaldson rooftop, but they weren't open yet. We wandered around the corner to JL Beers. I had never been there before, so I didn't realize I was in for a delightful surprise.
While we wanted to sit outside and enjoy the day, we realized that we were too loud and would have disturbed the girls that were already seated at the table next to the vacant one. I would love for them to have more outside seating, but it looks like most restaurants only have two tables outside when it comes to downtown.
We were greeted as soon as we sat at the bar. Better yet? I was facing Sierra Nevada on tap. Crystal ordered a Bud Light Lime, but our bartender wouldn't hear it. He handed her a sample of his favorite beer. One of the most amazing things about JL Beers is that you can try any beer you want for free. She ended up with a beer called Twilight, and I ordered Sierra Nevada's Pale Ale. After looking over the menu for a few seconds, I decided on the Rajun Cajun. Crystal combined the 1st Avenue Burger with the Classic Burger. We also decided to split a large order of chips with cajun seasoning.
I was amazed when they started making our food basically right in front of us. The chips? They're homemade. Even better, they put a potato on this super cool machine to slice it into chips. A large order of chips was the entire potato. Our food took less than 10 minutes to get to our spot. It was love at first bite. I seriously couldn't stop eating my chips. They were delightful, flavorful, and plentiful. I completely forgot about my burger for a while. When I finally did get to it, I was met with utter joy. How could a burger for $3.99 taste so amazing? That's right, guys. My burger was only $3.99, it was decent sized, and it was delicious.
When we were finished, I really wanted to try a beertail or a rootbeer float. I guess I'll have to save those for next time. Trust me, there will be a next time. I would obviously highly recommend JL Beers. I only live 2 blocks away from the downtown location, so I could see myself becoming a regular. It seemed like the staff knew quite a few customers who were dining or stopping in for a beer. They offer to-go orders, which is right up my alley. The atmosphere was great (I heard Modest Mouse and The Killers while dining), the staff was friendly but not too overbearing, and our food was off the charts. The staff gets bonus points for knowing Sierra Nevada's holiday beer was called Celebration Ale. My only regret is the outside seating area, but as I mentioned earlier, that is a downtown issue--not a JL Beers issue.
This is the adoptive dad's favorite picture of us from our last visit. Little dude is so freaking huge. Well...he's tall. Me? I look like a puffer fish. In my defense, I spent a lot of time crying. Also, it was humid. My hair wasn't built for humidity.
These past few days have really been wearing me down. I have been applying to college after college. UC Berkeley? Check UC Davis? Check. Minnesota State University Mankato? Check. University of Minnesota? Check. I have been browsing apartments in the cities and Mankato in case I ended up going there. So far, I've decided that I'll need a roommate to live in the cities. Yikes. I could afford to live alone in Mankato, so that's a good sign there. Berkeley? Davis? Let's not even go there for now. I'm not ready to get my hopes up.
I'm trying to move closer to my grandparents as soon as possible. One is going for chemo and blood tests every day except for Sunday. The other is leaving for Denver for some experimental treatments for a while. Who does that leave? Me. Exactly. I won't be able to go to Denver. I'm honestly kind of glad when looking at it from a school and work perspective. Even though I'll be helping the more stubborn of the two, I'm sure I'll survive. I'm just not really looking forward to being stuck in Iowa for that long. It could be worse. I could be doing this alone. Oh wait. I am.
Some of you know me on a super personal level. You know that I was getting excited about this guy named Erik. Yes, readers will remember him as the jackass who made the comments about my son here and here. I moved forward. He became this sort of awesome and adorable guy. He magically became more accepting and caring. He turned from a caterpillar to a butterfly within months. Was he my type? Not even close. Did he still make me smile? Yes. He did that job very well. I mean, I actually lit up whenever he'd call. You know, like I was back in middle school and the boy I liked was calling. It was pathetic. A few of you knew that he could have been a major contender for a serious relationship... or a relationship at all. Yeah...well I guess my feelings on marriage can be stuffed down the garbage disposal. I give up. I think I did two things wrong. I asked if he'd maybe want to consider living together eventually. That probably wasn't my brightest idea. I guess I thought that since he was talking engagement rings and puppies, he was ready to consider test driving the car. I was also honest about some of my mistakes in the past that I hadn't mentioned before. I can't change the past, and I honestly thought he could brush it off, realize he still cared about me, and look at the Marilee from July...not the Marilee from a year ago. Do I regret it? Yeah. I'll really miss him. He was awesome. I just wanted us to have a fresh start. He had been doing super well with some of his issues, and I thought it was my turn to be the problem in the relationship. I never expected this to happen. I guess this is why I just don't date. On the plus side, he's made some major changes in his life. I know he'll do well. That just leave me. Alone. With my grandpa. Oh goodie. Prepare the bomb shelter.